Children need someone who listens and helps them feel less alone
More than four in ten American teenagers carry persistent sadness or hopelessness — a quiet crisis that one leading psychologist traces not to a single failure but to a slow unraveling of the village that once surrounded every child. Kenneth Barish of Weill Cornell Medicine argues that as American culture turned inward toward individual achievement, it left parents isolated and children without the steady, unjudging presence of extended family. His prescription is neither clinical nor complex: grandparents who listen, encourage, and model kindness may be among the most powerful forces available to a generation adrift.
- Over 40% of American teenagers report persistent sadness or hopelessness, signaling a mental health crisis that has outpaced conventional interventions.
- The erosion of extended family networks has left parents without support and children without the web of caring adults they were always meant to have.
- A culture organized around test scores, status, and individual achievement is quietly fueling anxiety, depression, and substance abuse — especially in affluent communities.
- Research shows that helping others measurably reduces depression and anxiety, pointing toward purpose and service as more durable foundations than achievement alone.
- Grandparents are being called back into active roles — not as babysitters, but as emotional anchors who listen without judgment and model values that outlast any grade.
More than four in ten American teenagers are living with persistent sadness or hopelessness — a statistic that psychologist Kenneth Barish, a clinical professor at Weill Cornell Medicine, has spent four decades trying to understand. His conclusion is both simple and sweeping: the extended family that once surrounded children has largely disappeared, leaving parents isolated and children without the network of adults who once provided steady presence and care. "We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now," he writes.
In his new book, Barish traces the crisis to a broader cultural shift — one in which schools measure children by test scores, parents measure themselves by their children's accomplishments, and communities measure worth by income and status. What gets lost is a sense of purpose beyond the self. Research consistently shows that helping others produces better self-esteem, lower depression, stronger immune function, and longer lifespans. Individual achievement, by contrast, is fragile — dependent on external validation and the anxiety of always needing to win.
Grandparents, Barish argues, are uniquely positioned to model a different set of values. They can volunteer alongside grandchildren, initiate early conversations about caring for others, and offer what he calls "molecules of emotional health" — small, accumulated moments of listening, encouragement, and genuine interest that build a child's emotional resilience over time. A child who believes problems can be solved, that difficult feelings are temporary, and that someone will listen without judgment has developed an inner immune system capable of weathering adolescence.
Barish also challenges two pieces of conventional wisdom. Contrary to fears about over-praise, he found that unintentional criticism from well-meaning adults is the more common and damaging pattern — breeding resentment rather than motivation. And rather than punishment, he advocates for collaborative problem-solving that treats children as capable of learning and change. The goal, ultimately, is not to clear a path or teach specific skills, but to strengthen a child's inner sense of confidence and purpose — and the grandparent who simply shows up and listens may be doing more toward that end than anyone else in the room.
More than four in ten American teenagers are living with persistent sadness or hopelessness. That statistic sits at the center of a growing conversation about what's gone wrong with how we're raising children in this country, and who might help fix it.
Kenneth Barish, a clinical professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine and fellow of the American Psychological Association, has spent four decades watching families navigate the terrain of modern childhood. His conclusion is straightforward: we've lost something essential. The extended family—grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins—used to be woven into the fabric of raising children. Now, in most American households, that support system has largely vanished, leaving parents isolated and children without the network of adults who once provided steady presence, listening, and care. "We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now," Barish says. "Children need grandparents, and they always have."
In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, Barish traces the roots of the current mental health crisis not to any single cause but to a broader cultural shift. Over the past several decades, American society has increasingly organized itself around individual achievement and personal success. Schools measure children by test scores. Parents measure themselves by their children's accomplishments. Communities measure worth by income and status. What gets lost in this calculus is something harder to quantify: a sense of purpose that extends beyond the self. Research shows that in affluent communities especially, the pressure to achieve fuels high rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. The antidote, Barish argues, is helping children develop meaning through service to others. Studies have found that people who help others report better self-esteem, lower rates of depression, higher graduation rates, stronger immune function, and even longer lifespans. The mechanism is simple: individual achievement alone is fragile. It depends on external validation, on winning, on being the best. Purpose rooted in kindness and service is more durable.
Grandparents, in Barish's framework, are uniquely positioned to model and reinforce this shift in values. They can volunteer alongside their grandchildren. They can have conversations, starting early, about what it means to care for others and notice their needs. These conversations, Barish insists, matter as much as homework supervision or grade correction—perhaps more. But the grandparent's role extends beyond teaching values. Barish describes what he calls "molecules of emotional health"—small moments of listening, encouragement, and genuine interest that accumulate over time to strengthen a child's emotional resilience. A child who knows that someone will listen without judgment, who believes that problems can be solved and relationships repaired, who understands that difficult feelings are temporary, has built an emotional immune system that can weather the storms of adolescence.
What surprised Barish most in his clinical work was not what he expected to find. The conventional wisdom holds that modern parents praise their children too much, creating fragile, entitled kids. But Barish found the opposite problem: unintentional criticism from well-meaning family members. Constant criticism doesn't motivate children to work harder. It breeds resentment and defiance. It teaches them that effort is pointless. The praise that does help, however, is specific and focused. Praise effort, not talent. Praise learning, not grades. This distinction—between praising what children can control and praising what they cannot—is the difference between building resilience and building fragility.
Barish also challenges the assumption that punishment is the most effective tool for shaping behavior. Instead, he recommends collaborative problem-solving conversations and giving children a chance to reset—to step back, calm down, and try again. These approaches work because they treat the child as capable of learning and changing, rather than as someone who needs to be controlled. The goal, as Barish frames it, is not to clear a path to success for children or to teach them specific skills. It's to strengthen their inner sense of confidence and purpose. Children who feel genuinely heard, who know they matter, who understand that kindness has value—those children work harder, recover more quickly from setbacks, show more care toward others, and pursue their interests with genuine commitment. The grandparent who listens, who shows up, who expresses real interest in a child's world, is doing some of the most important work there is.
Notable Quotes
We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now. Children need grandparents, and they always have.— Dr. Kenneth Barish
Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress. Helping others promotes a greater balance in children's emotional lives.— Dr. Kenneth Barish
The Hearth Conversation Another angle on the story
Why do you think grandparents specifically matter here? Parents love their children too.
Parents are often caught in the achievement treadmill themselves. They're managing school, activities, grades, college prep. Grandparents can step outside that pressure. They have permission to just listen.
But doesn't that risk creating a divide—grandparents as the "fun" ones while parents are the disciplinarians?
Not if everyone understands the same values. The point isn't that grandparents are permissive. It's that they model something different: that a person's worth isn't tied to their accomplishments.
You mentioned "molecules of emotional health." That's a strange phrase. What does it actually mean?
It's the accumulation of small moments. A grandparent asking about your day and actually listening. Not fixing anything, not offering advice. Just witnessing. Those moments build up over time into a kind of emotional resilience.
The data shows 40% of teenagers are struggling. That's enormous. Can grandparents really move that needle?
Not alone. But they're part of a system. If extended family is present, if children see adults modeling kindness, if they're encouraged to help others—that changes the emotional landscape they're growing up in.
What about families where grandparents aren't available or aren't healthy influences?
That's real. But the principle still holds: children need adults who listen without judgment, who believe in them, who model purpose beyond achievement. Those adults might be teachers, coaches, mentors. The structure matters less than the presence.