Difficult People and Biological Ageing: What Psychologists Say About Coping With Stressful Relationships

A question sits at the top of a recent CNA Lifestyle feature: can difficult people make you age faster? The piece points to a study from New York University that links stressful relationships to biological ageing. The source offers no details of that study here, such as its size, method or findings, so the framing is the article's own. What the feature spends its time on is practical: how to handle the people you cannot simply avoid.

Its premise is plain. Unpleasant interactions are part of life, so the aim is to navigate them better. Two Singapore-based practitioners supply the advice, Serene Lee, a psychotherapist and founder of the counselling centre ICCT.sg, and Andrea Chan, group head of TOUCH Counselling & Psychological Services. They go scenario by scenario.

Start with ageing parents. Lee suggests looking past habits like nagging to ask what is really behind them. In her words, it may be anxiety, loneliness, physical pain, or simply the need for someone to listen. Sometimes less is more: answering a nagging parent with "I hear you, Ma" is enough, she says. Chan adds that limits are legitimate when a line is crossed. Her example is saying, "I care about you, Pa," then asking him to stop using vulgarities, and telling him that if he continues, you won't be able to join him for dinner that night.

With children, Lee recommends treating rough patches, such as poor grades, as chances to learn rather than as parenting failures. She proposes asking what went wrong, what can be learned and what can be done next. That approach, she says, builds a child's sense of responsibility and toughness while letting them know a parent is backing them. Chan stresses that boundaries matter here too: time out, physical distance and personal self-care time help both parent and child.

At work, Chan says you needn't be best friends with every colleague. She advises finding a support system of positive people who push you to do better. Lee agrees that a "we are not friends but we work well together" arrangement can be perfectly healthy, provided expectations are clear, communication is open and gossip and drama are avoided.

Bosses call for a focus on what is within your control. Lee's guidance when work goes wrong is to state your expectations clearly, write down key guidelines, and hold off responding while emotions run high. Chan suggests reflecting on what bothered you and asking how such moments could be avoided, and what keeps you in the job. Those questions, she says, help you see beyond the person to the larger purpose of staying in the role.

There is a limit, though. If a boss's behaviour becomes bullying, discriminatory or seriously harms your wellbeing, Lee says it is no longer a matter of coping. That is the point to go to the right people in your organisation or bring in a professional.

Neighbours get the last example. With a noisy family upstairs, Lee advises addressing what someone is doing, not who they are. Asking whether they would mind turning the music down after 11pm usually works better than calling them inconsiderate. As she puts it, you may win tonight's argument, but you will still meet at the lift tomorrow morning.

Across the cases the advice converges: ask what lies beneath a behaviour, name specific limits, and escalate only when conduct crosses into harm.