Touch can be used for someone's own benefit at their partner's expense
Physical touch can shift from love expression to coercive control, with narcissists using touch denial or excess to manipulate partners and protect emotional vulnerability. The 'Dark Triad' personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) drive instrumental use of intimacy; anxious men seek reassurance while women with dark traits use manipulation strategically.
- Study led by Richard Mattson at Binghamton University, published in Current Psychology
- Two patterns identified: touch aversion (withdrawal as shield) and coercive touch (strategic offer/denial for control)
- Dark Triad traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) drive instrumental use of intimacy
- Partners experience depression, anxiety, emotional isolation, and psychological insecurity
- Recommended interventions include firm boundaries, gray rock technique, and therapeutic support
Research reveals narcissistic individuals may weaponize physical affection like hugs as a control mechanism rather than genuine intimacy, with distinct patterns across genders and attachment styles.
We grow up believing the embrace is love's purest language. A song tells us to hold tight because we're afraid of disappearing. Science confirms what we feel: a hug releases oxytocin, the hormone that calms us, that makes us safe. But a new study from Binghamton University suggests that for some people, this most intimate gesture becomes something else entirely—a tool for control, a way to punish, a mechanism of power dressed up as affection.
Researcher Richard Mattson and his team published their findings in Current Psychology after examining how certain individuals weaponize physical touch within romantic relationships. The work identifies two distinct patterns. The first is touch aversion: a partner who pulls away, who becomes uncomfortable when touched, using withdrawal as a shield against emotional vulnerability. The second is coercive touch: the strategic offer or denial of physical contact to dominate the relationship or inflict punishment. Both serve the same purpose—self-protection at the expense of the other person. "You don't get the benefits of touch in these relationships," Mattson explains. "But the flip side is that touch can be used for someone's own benefit at their partner's expense."
The research reveals gendered patterns in how this manipulation unfolds. Men with anxious attachment styles tend to use touch as a way to seek reassurance, to quiet their own insecurity. Women displaying traits from what psychologists call the Dark Triad—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—employ touch strategically, instrumentally, as a calculated means of control. The Dark Triad itself describes three personality structures bound by a single thread: the absence of empathy and a transactional view of other people. Narcissism, the most visible of the three, presents as grandiosity and an insatiable hunger for admiration, but underneath lies fragile self-esteem and a terror of humiliation. People with these traits live in relationships that are brief, turbulent, sometimes violent—intimacy becomes a chess move rather than a genuine connection.
The damage to a partner's mental health accumulates quietly at first, then visibly. Constant criticism erodes self-worth. The refusal to acknowledge reality—what therapists call gaslighting—destabilizes the mind. Over time, the person on the receiving end develops depression, anxiety, a sense of isolation even within the relationship. They live in psychological uncertainty, never quite sure what is real or what they deserve. The relationship becomes a place of insecurity rather than refuge.
Mattson suggests that understanding touch as a potential instrument of control opens a door for intervention. Therapists can teach people who have never learned reciprocal, healthy physical affection how to use touch differently—as a genuine expression rather than a weapon. For those still in relationships with narcissistic partners, mental health professionals recommend concrete protective measures: establish firm boundaries that cannot be negotiated, refuse to argue about reality itself, practice emotional detachment (a technique called the "gray rock" method), and seek outside support to validate what has happened and begin to heal. The work points toward a future where we recognize that not every embrace is love, and that sometimes the most important act of self-care is knowing when to step away from someone's touch.
Citações Notáveis
You don't get the benefits of touch in these relationships, but the flip side is that touch can be used for someone's own benefit at their partner's expense.— Richard Mattson, Binghamton University
We can use touch in these scenarios for low-cost first-line interventions for people who haven't learned to use it in a healthy and reciprocal way.— Richard Mattson
A Conversa do Hearth Outra perspectiva sobre a história
Why does someone with narcissistic traits need to control touch at all? Why not just leave the relationship if they don't want intimacy?
Because the control itself is the point. It's not about wanting or not wanting touch—it's about having power over whether the other person gets it. The withdrawal becomes a punishment. The sudden affection becomes a reward. It keeps the partner off-balance, always seeking approval.
So the narcissistic person is protecting themselves by controlling the other person?
Exactly. Underneath the grandiosity is deep fragility. By controlling when touch happens, they control the emotional temperature of the relationship. They never have to be truly vulnerable.
The study mentions this happens differently in men and women. Why would an anxious man use touch differently than a woman with dark traits?
An anxious man is seeking reassurance—he's using touch to calm his own fear of abandonment. A woman with narcissistic traits is using touch as a strategic tool, almost like a currency. One is driven by insecurity, the other by a calculated need for dominance.
What happens to someone who's been in a relationship like this for years?
Their sense of reality fractures. They start to doubt their own perceptions. They feel isolated even when physically close to someone. Depression and anxiety become chronic. They've internalized the message that their needs don't matter.
Can someone learn to use touch healthily after being in that kind of relationship?
Yes, but it takes time and usually therapy. They have to relearn that touch can be safe, that it doesn't have to be a negotiation or a power play. And the person who was doing the controlling has to want to change, which is rare.